Conflict.

I’m stuck between being wanting to be a “strong independent woman” and the reality of being a married woman with a child.

It’s this battle in my head. I know my life has changed. I know that little X is my responsibility and I love him with all my heart and soul…. and I know my ‘past life’ will never be again. I know that. It was hard to realize it. I’ll admit it… it was really hard to totally accept that I can’t be selfish anymore.

What the hell am I trying to say?

Ok. Let me start over. I’m stressed. Seriously stressed. I have never handled big transitions well and I’ve made major decisions that are going to impact me very soon.

I resigned from my job without another one lined up. (I’ve always had at least two jobs!)  I’ve completely cut all ties with San Francisco. I don’t have a reason to be there every day after work is over.

I have half assed applied to some positions. Do I want to work? What am I going to do if I stay home? I’d go crazy if I stayed home, wouldn’t I? Omg.. I’d gain so much more weight. Do I want to do counseling? What the heck would I do otherwise?

My mind is constantly spinning.

I’m just really uncomfortable and on the verge of tears every day.

Oh well. Get over it. Life isn’t going to wait.

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